Poland trip PART TWO - Strippers, booze and shooting stuff.
2007-08-07

The first night we were in Warsaw, we went to an underground strip club called "Loch", which translates literally into "Dungeon". We walked in, or rather down, past three beefy bouncers placed at regular intervals into a very dungeon-like place. I've never actually been in a dungeon, but when I played Dungeons and Dragons in grade 7, the pictures in the book looked something like this, only without the porno lighting. And yes, in case the web designer job or the "Super Computer" blog entry (or the blog itself for that matter) didn't give it away, I'm sure "ex D&D player" will surely reveal my inherent geekness to you. I've made peace with it, I hope you can too.

If my grade 7 D & D Dungeon Master, Andreas Zimmermann was describing Loch, he would've said, "You have entered a 20 X 80 room. The thick, brick walls are lined with half-naked polish whores wearing furry lingerie and bad, feathered 80s haircuts. The whores look at you and your party seductively. To your left, through an archway sit three German tourists, a drunk American with his head on the table and a balding annoying-as-fuck Canadian from New Brunswick who is eating everyone else's food."

The limey lads and I take our seats in front of a small stage with telltale brass pole. I have been to a few strip joints back home, and as mentioned in part one I am not exactly looking forward to it.

It was just as I sat down and ordered a beer, that it dawned on me that I was in Eastern Europe. Our flight to Warsaw had been delayed, then delayed again so after we landed, we were eager not to lose the entire night considering we were only there for three days. Our tour guides picked us up and drove us at Mach 2 straight to the hotel, where we changed quickly and bolted to Loch. It wasn't until I sat down and had a second to think, that I realised I was behind the Iron curtain! In no man's land! The Warsaw pact, Commies, Glasnost, Perogies! Who knows what these crazy strippers will get up to.

Visions of smacked out strippers armed with roofies and AK47's fill my head. Consumed by thoughts of western cash and British passports, they open fire, dropping unsuspecting tourists left and right, bodies falling to the floor in bloody spastic fits. The whores laughing maniacally as they pump us full of hot lead.

Or even worse than that, they might pull people on stage.

I was petrified. The music starts and a girl struts out. Angrily. She's got the shoulders of a linebacker and thighs that could crush bricks. She grabs the pole and swings around it violently, rattling the bolts at its base. I look around for a way out in case the shit hits the fan, to no avail. Horny tourists block all the exits, I can't escape.

The stripper comes off the pole, dances around a bit, bends over a couple times, takes off her top and walks off stage. All in about three minutes.

It was the mildest strip show I had ever seen. Phew. One of the limey lads leans over to me and says, "you should go to Prague mate, it's much better, they have proper brothels over there." Uh, yeah, I'll get right on that.

Below are the photos I took while in Warsaw. You'll notice very few (in fact none) of the Jewish ghetto, the Jewish memorials or anything even remotely cultural. Limey Lads have no interest in that sort of thing; There aren't any hot Polish babes or vodka in those places, dummy!

Old Town. All of these buildings were completely flattened by the Germans during the second World War. The Poles rebuilt them exactly as they were before:

The following are of the Vodka distillery we visited. We went there on a Sunday when it was closed. It was the most bizarre tour I have ever been on, the tour guide (who obviously didn't want us there) kept saying things like, "Well, if it was open, the trucks would be hauling stuff in here" or "If it was working, there would be bottles moving here." Not exactly the most exciting tour I've ever been on, but it was great for photography. And really, how can you diss any activity that ends in free booze?

These two are of the apartment block across from the brewery.

If you look up in the dark bit in the top corner, you can see the three armed dudes that followed us around. Creepy.

At the end of the trip we went to a Polish army base and shot 9mm glocks as part of the stag package. Below is my target. I outshot the other 10 limeys that were there. Three of them were ex-cops. Take that suckas! Our female Polish tour guide brought the target back to me, congratulated me by saying in her thick Polish accent, "It is a pleasure to hold it." much to the limey lads amusement.

Even though we missed out on a lot, I must say that I had a great time. I must also mention that the poles were some of the nicest people I had ever met. I paid for a total of FOUR drinks the entire time was there.
Warsaw, IT NICE... I LIKE EET!!