Stonehenge and GMT
2007-01-10

I have seen a lot of stuff in jolly ol' that many people think is great, but never really blows my top. It is usually something so old, that my colonial, new world brain just can’t comprehend it. 1900 AD is the same as 200 BC as far as I’m concerned. If it has no impact on my daily life, I have no interest. That may sound shallow, but I’m a Gen Xer. I was raised on video games and MTV, sue me.

Stonehenge is one of these things. It’s all anyone back home talks about when they talk about England.

“Stonehenge is amazing, it can predict ECLIPSES” is a statement I often hear.

Yeah, well so can Alex Deakin and there is no monument built to him. In fact, 99.9% of the people who read this will have to Google him because they won’t even know who he is. Let me save you some time.

“Yeah, but Stonehenge contains rocks that are THOUSANDS of years old!” they cry.

Big deal, ALL rocks are THOUSANDS of years old. I have rocks in my driveway that are as old as that.

“But they were placed by EARLY MAN!!, dragged across HUNDREDS OF MILES!!” they plead, eyes bulging out of their sockets in rage.

YAWN.

So on my third trip to England before I moved over, we go out and see the amazing Stonehenge. First of all, it’s far from EVERYTHING. You would think the druids would’ve been smart enough to build it close to a pub, the inconsiderate pricks. If there is one thing I don’t need, it’s another reason to hate druids.

As we pull into the Stonehenge parking lot, I ask, “Are you sure this is it? Shouldn’t we be able to see these giant rocks from here?”. Kate shrugs her shoulders and points to the tourist info hut.

Now before I go any further, I’d like to explain my marriage dynamic for a second. There are two types of people in the world: people who get the guide books, read up on everything and plan every step of their adventure, and the people who just want to hurry up and get it over with. Guess which one I am. Kate is the other one.

“What do we need tourist info for? Look, there’s the path right there, let’s follow that.” The trail has a number of people on it with maps so it must be right. No dodgy fucking druid-wannabe, dungeons and dragons muppet is gonna get a penny out of me.

Begrudgingly, Kate follows me. We walk the trail for a few hundred feet, still no Stonehenge. It must be over this next hill, the couple at the top are pointing at something. We scramble up the hill to see that they’re pointing at nothing. No Stonehenge. Damn druids, got me again.

Perplexed, we turn around to see that we walked in the wrong direction. Off in the distance we see a tiny Stonehenge laughing at us. “I told you we needed a map, you idiot” is a phrase I often hear from Kate, you would think I would learn. I don’t.

Walking the eight hundred miles back to the tourist booth, we realise the rocks were right across the road from the car. I can actually hear Kate’s eyes roll back into her head.

We walk to the entrance to Stonehenge and are asked to fork over £12. “Twelve pounds to see some fucking rocks that are sticking out of the ground?!, that’s like 25 bucks!” I say. “The Dali exhibit in the centre of London was less than that!” I look around and see hundreds of people there, at six pounds a pop. That will buy a lot of Mead.

Fuck that. We walk down the road and look at Stonehenge through the fence. Not only is it just rocks sticking out of the ground, but they’re not even that BIG.

Weak.

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After bagging one of England’s most cherished landmarks, I feel I should share something so awesome about England, it will BLOW YOUR MIND.

England is the centre of time.

Think of the gravity of that statement. Right now, I am at the proper time and everyone else’s day on Earth depends on mine. If a little orange ball doesn’t drop down a pole in London each day, there is no NOON. Deal with that, sucka.

GMT stands for Greenwich Mean Time and all time around the world depends on it. Greenwich is actually a place in London that houses a massive observatory and time museum. A museum on TIME, How can it even EXIST?! It hurts my brain just thinking about it. If that’s not cool enough for you, it’s FREE. It is definitely on my list of things to see next time I'm in London. Stonehenge can eat my crusty shorts.