LeftLion PRINT ed. #1 - Gun city
2007-03-08
Sorry for the absence in here, but I have been writing my first column for LeftLion magazine and it had to go through three drafts before it was awesome.
I sent the first draft in and the editor said it was ok, but he would like me to rewrite it anyway. Even though Kate had never read it, she said "that's the sign of a good editor". I thought that was unnecessarily cruel. I rewrote it, sent it in and the editor type dude didn't write back to me for a week so I rewrote it a third time. It was an odd experience, usually I write articles of sheer genius on my first try. He said he liked the third edition so it will appear in April's paper.
So anyway, the article is below. The day after I wrote it, a 17-year-old kid got stabbed to death two blocks from my house.
Note to self: Don't write any more articles about how safe it is in Nottingham. Enjoy!
A .pdf of the print edition of LeftLion magazine. My column is on page 8.
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I have been living in Nottingham for a year and a half and I haven't been shot once. I haven't been beaten up or mugged or even stabbed. If you listen to the media, this is quite an amazing feat, considering I live in GUN CITY.
When I tell other Nottinghamites that I moved over from Canada, they look at me like I am the craziest man on earth. I have lost count at how many times I've heard, "You're from Canada? What the hell are you doing HERE?!"
Are Canadian cities little slices of utopia and Nottingham the seventh circle of hell? No, we just have better PR. Our PR is so good that even mad cow disease, SARS and clubbing baby seals to death doesn't stop the tourists. I could tell most Notts-ites that I wear baby seal eyes for cufflinks, and you would still say something about our low crime, clean cities or beautiful scenery.
I'll let you in on a little secret; gun crime in Canadian cities is no lower than it is here. My home city of Calgary, a city of almost a million people (the same number as Nottinghamshire) had 42 murders in 2006, most of which were with guns. If you ask anyone in Canada what they know about Calgary, they'll tell you about the Calgary Stampede, a giant rodeo that attracts visitors from all over the world every year. You never hear a peep about the crime.
Crime is a fact of life for any large city, it's the city's ability to run interference that determines whether it is a city of culture or a city of depravity.
Unfortunately, a lot of damage has been done by the press and when it comes to misery, the British memory is long. You're going to have to do something outlandish to shake the crime label. You are going to have to make friends with Robin Hood again.
I can hear you groaning. I have heard that groaning before. It is the same groaning we, as Calgarians used to do when everyone in other parts of Canada called us cowboys because of the Stampede. We wanted to be hip and metropolitan just like Nottingham does. We don't groan about the Stampede anymore now that it makes $90 Million annually and (even though the city was smaller than greater Nottingham at the time) brought us the Olympics in 1988.
Other cities would kill for Robin Hood. Was I the only one that was pissed off that the newest Robin Hood statue was unveiled by Sean Bean in Sheffield? You know what the first thing everyone who flies into the Robin Hood airport says? They say "Why the hell isn't this airport in Nottingham?" I know I am a new resident of this city, but let me be the first to say Sean Bean can kiss my big, fat, tights-covered, Nottinghamite ass.
We have to take Robin Hood back immediately and without mercy. We need to change the city logo to a bow and arrow, name a couple streets after the old boy and host a world event like the World Archery Championships. Who would dare go against Nottingham in applying for it? You could have some Korean kid peeing his pants in excitement at the idea of coming to Nottingham. Lord knows no one is excited that the rusty old "Crazy shake" of the Goose fair is coming to town. A Mr. Whippy truck and a tetanus shot does not an event make.
We could use the press generated by the Archery Championships to turn it into an annual Robin Hood Arts festival celebrating all things Nottingham. Just to be sure it doesn't turn into some cheesy medieval fair full of Goths and D and D geeks, we can shake down any Gandalf wannabies at the gate and invoke an embargo on 20-sided dice and pewter figurines.
It's just crazy enough to work.